To Virginia !

I'm not crazy. Yet something inside me stands out from the rest. The room is crowded, but I feel so alone. They're all there, bustling around me. All the commotion is filtered out. Their words come to me like thuds and their silhouettes are blurred. I can't tell them. I'm here in body, but my mind is already drifting away. Now I know what's going to happen. This phenomenon has been recurring every day for several weeks now.

The living room window is slightly ajar. An early-morning breeze brings a little freshness to the room. It also sets the tone for the first undulations of the curtains and my mind. That's it! I can no longer feel the warmth of the cup of tea on my fingers.

The children's cries become increasingly muffled. The silhouettes slowly disintegrate. I like this feeling of weightlessness. It shivers through my body and transports me elsewhere. I'm free again. It's the only way I've felt free for some time now. Earth makes me dizzy. This momentum, on the contrary, soothes me, even though I can't control it. With it, I can and want to go far away, as far as possible.

 

In fact, every morning, I long for that moment, that special moment when everything changes. My escape is such that I can't feel my limbs or any part of my body. I'm nothing but spirit, and that suits me so well. I confess that if I could control it, I wouldn't come back. It's hard for those who show me sincere love. However, my return is a truth so strong, so blatant but above all so unpleasant that the bitterness that emanates from it confirms to me a little more each day that I loathe life. I can't do it anymore. I can no longer be satisfied with breathing in this World that seems to corrupt the abandon that gives me so much pleasure. My heart beats with the same rhythm, but it's not the rhythm my soul wants. Its beat has become too mechanical, too precise and therefore too constraining for me to be satisfied with it. In this invisible dimension, I give birth to a second Virginia. This Virginia floats, breathes fully and escapes alone. This solitude only translates into a breath of lightness so intense that once I've forgotten my body, I don't want to find it again. It has become my prison. When I find it again, I feel locked in, deprived of anything but the desire to disappear. I'm going to leave... How can I tell them? How to tell him without him trying to spare me what he thinks is the worst and what I know is deliverance. Cowardice and courage mix until they leave my mind. It's neither. I aspire only to one priority, to achieve transparency in this hell on earth. I've walked this earth long enough to want nothing more than to sink into oblivion of this heavy body and float away from it. Tranquillity is calling me and I'm going to take its course. I've made up my mind, I'm going to get rid of this carcass and let it die.

 

Stéphane Théri